White Ribbon
by CrushedSummer
Summary: In this moment, I see him for what he really is, and all of us for what we really are. In this moment, I know what I am going to write about.


Sayori throws open the door, and in this moment, I see him over her shoulder.

And I can't help but feel my life has been leading up to this moment, though I don't even know why.

By the time he's finished greeting Yuri and Natsuki, I already know he needs to join. I can't let him slip away, lest he take all the colour from the room with him. It nearly feels like it was fate, fate that I started this club just so that he can be here right now.

When our eyes meet, and I see the recognition in his, I know the inexplicable dread I've been feeling since founding the literature club has been worth it.

"It sounds like you already know Monika, is that right?" Sayori asks after we greet each other.

"That's right. We had some classes together last year. Though, I had no idea that you two were friends either. Thanks for bringing him today," I'm beaming at her, at him. I'm nearly giddy and I'm still not really sure why. Still though, I wouldn't want to come on too strong here, I need to make a good impression for the club. Keeping my smile calm, I regard him as he steps closer.

God, he's cute; I just want to pull him even closer, to feel him in my arms.

This isn't like me. Has he changed since last year? I think back to-

The memory spills through my fingers like ink.

That's strange. Can I really be so flustered? He looked about the same, didn't he?

Yet I can't make anything materialize.

At this point I'm running on autopilot, talking about the club while my mind goes into overdrive. He was an average guy back then, I know he was. I remember the time that...

I thought I did. As I turn my focus to each memory in turn, they disperse as fog before a torch. I realize that the other faces I thought I knew in those class are equally indistinct, upon closer inspection.

I hear the chatter of the other club members echo through the emptiness of the third floor.

The emptiness of the second floor.

The emptiness of the first floor.

Suddenly the giddiness feels more like I'm about to jump out of my skin. Is this what they call a "panic attack"? Why can't I control this tunnel vision? I feel like I need to leave and, hell, I don't know, maybe even visit the hospital. My heart is racing.

Natsuki places a cupcake in front of me. I take a deep breath and look around. What the hell just came over me? I'm just relaxing with my friends.

"Ah, it's really good," he says, eliciting a smile from the youngest member of the club. She really has a talent for it, I agree mentally as I bite into my own. Honestly, if she makes cupcakes every time, I'll start looking even harder for members. Actually no, that's dangerous; her cupcakes are good enough that people would come to orientation just to get one, with no intention of actually joining. Oh well. Things are nice and cozy right now, so I'm not in a terrible hurry to grow the club. There will be ample opportunity during the festival. Plus, with his addition, our membership is growing steadily.

Yuri passes out cups of tea, and everyone begins spiraling off into side conversations once more as he gets acquainted with them.

Finding a place to interject, I ask him why he decided to join us, and he replies that Sayori impressed upon him how much fun she's been having here. It seems that the two of them are pretty close. That must be nice, I think to myself.

Sayori says to him that I'm a great leader, and my musings on their relationship are cut short.

Maybe I should think of a club activity for us to help get him engaged with everyone. On top of that, I need to start getting us ready for the school festival. What is there to do? We won't be able to get through a novel as a group before the festival...

"Surreal horror is often very successful at changing the way you look at the world, if only for a brief moment," Yuri says as I tune back in.

I breathe deeply, feeling my stomach turn a little at the thought of the episode I had only moments ago. I still don't understand how exactly I was seeing things just then. That feeling tickles at the edge of my consciousness whenever I look at him too long.

Natsuki interjects, "Ugh, I hate horror," and the seeds of an idea begin to take hold.

"That's right, you usually like to write about cute things, don't you, Natsuki?" I ask.

She's quick to shut down that conversation, but I recall the poem she had been working on.

Yuri then chimes in with her experience writing. So she does it too? I've tried my own hand at writing poems before, so this might just work!

"Okay! I have an idea, everyone!" I announce, "Let's all go home and write a poem of our own. Then, next time we meet, we'll all share then with each other."

The others seem a little apprehensive, but Sayori is quick to offer me her enthusiastic support.

"Hang on...I never said I would join this club!" he says.

And suddenly I'm filled with that dread once more.

No, no, he _has_ to join.

I watch the other girls' eyes fall around me. Are they feeling the same thing?

What's wrong with me? Why do I suddenly care so much about this, about him?

I stare at him, and so do the others. Somehow, the longer I look, the louder the white noise behind my eyes grows. I could hear a pin drop as he fidgets uncomfortably before us. In fact, I could hear it echo through the empty halls of the school.

The halls that should have been brimming with hundreds of students still.

"Right..." he stammers, "Okay, I've decided, then. I'll join the literature club."

I'm absolutely ecstatic, though I can't let that show. Simultaneously, I feel lightheaded with terror that somehow, I felt as though I would unravel if he didn't join then and there.

And then I see the reaction from my friends and I can almost see the strings he's making us dance on.

And then I can see the strings he's making us dance on.

White ribbons of light tying us - about the wrists, fingers, ankles, necks - all to him. I notice more still, objects, places connected to him; I can't even see his face through the ribbons anymore.

How exactly did he look? I can't remember anymore.

Then I see the ribbon around his throat, tying him to something greater still. For the first time, I see my world for the dimensions it lacks.

It's almost blinding. I feel like I'm going to throw up; I feel like a film left out in the sun.

Instead, I let the script move me.

"I look forward to seeing how you express yourself," I tell him.

And I really do, after all, he's the most important person in the world.

I already know what I'm going to write.

* * *

 **A/N: It's been a while for me hasn't it? I still have about a half dozen unfinished things sitting around, and it wasn't until I played DDLC that I was inspired to sit down and write again. This fic came from me wondering what it must have been like for Monika on the first playthrough, coming into self awareness and watching from the sidelines.**


End file.
